Again use visuals: maybe videos of himself when younger (he is clearly very happy with the medium of video and I think this could be used in a beneficial way) and show him that there was a time when he couldn’t walk, but that, with practice, he learned how to, ditto feeding himself, etc. Try to show him that it’s OK not to be good at things straight away, and explain to him the concept of practice. They can want to be able to start something and do it straight away and this is partly because “they can have difficulty predicting what could happen next”. Regarding your son setting very high goals, Rattlidge explains (and I’m sure you know this, but may need reminding) that people with autism can see things as very black and white: pass or fail. Has he met, or can he meet, others with the condition? (Visit /directory for details of local support groups).
What is your son good at? Perhaps it could get the other children to try something your son excels at so they can see how good he is at it. Regarding his self-esteem, can you get the school involved? Perhaps, Rattlidge suggests, it could have an assembly to explain about autism and show positive role models. Rattlidge also suggests that he has “calm time” when he gets home, a period when nothing is asked of him, and that this be written into his timetable for you both to see. It can take a lot of perseverance and feedback (from you to him). An autism timer could be helpful, as it would allow him to see how much longer he has left, either until he can go on the computer, or how long he has left using it.
I note you say that you already seem to have some sort of agreements in place, and can see you have already tried to restrict time on the computer, but I wonder how you go about this? A visual timetable might be useful to help set these limits – something that shows him when he can go on his computer and for how long. His behaviour would not continue unless it’s meeting a need.” “If it’s something that is useful to him ,” says Rattlidge, “then you don’t want to stop it as it could make him more anxious. Has anything happened recently? It could be something seemingly small, but children with autism can find even tiny changes unsettling and upsetting. This may also be a clue that he feels unsettled. So it may seem a waste of time to you, but for him it is providing a useful purpose. Regarding his obsession with YouTube, Rattlidge explains that obsessions are common in people with autism, because it can give them a sense of control and predictability. For example, with the question “How do you feel when you’re angry?” What might that look like to those around him (he may cross his arms, stamp his feet, etc)? What calms him down, what makes him feel better, and what can others do to make him feel better? The aim is for him, and those around him, to identify how he feels, and for him and you to learn how best to help him with whatever emotion he is feeling.
Start with basic feelings, asking: “How do you feel when you’re angry?” He may struggle with someone just talking to him, so you may need to show him visuals, either a picture or a video. Rattlidge thinks a good starting point is to help your son identify his feelings and understand himself a bit more. Your son is 11, so you may feel you should know everything there is to know about his autism and forget that you need a little help yourself from time to time. Talking to other parents of children with autism may also help you feel less alone (the NAS has a parent-to-parent service: 08). You can call the NAS helpline if you need to offload or go through any of the advice here in more detail. She notes your anxiety levels and suggests you may need support and someone to talk to. I had a long chat with Anna Rattlidge, a specialist adviser at the National Autistic Society (, helpline: 08), who gave me lots of tips for you. One of the best bits of parenting advice I ever got was that, just as children are on a learning curve, so are we as parents. So you see my anxiety, but sometimes I wonder if I should just get over myself, because in every other way he is a considerate, caring, funny and intelligent boy who could be capable of anything.ĭon’t be so hard on yourself. He is an amazing artist, for example, but won’t pick up a pencil. I worry that the combination of these factors deters him from trying. He sets himself very high goals and gets frustrated when he does not reach them. I am also concerned that I have pushed him to do things.